By Anubhav Srivastava ( Register for his Workshop – Build Super Confidence For Super Success!)
Ever find yourself looking for the signs you are in the wrong relationship? Here are some indicators that would help you decide whether or not to stay in the relationship. These are some general signs that point towards a non harmonious relationship. That being said, some of these things can be worked upon but it requires effort from both the partners, so just because you find some of these points to resonate with you and impulsively take a decision to leave, stop and think and see if things can be worked out. At the end of the day you know what is best for you.
First, right off the bat, if your relationship isn’t working most of the times it is not just one person’s fault but both. As they say it takes two to tango. So this article does not put the entire blame on the other partner. Unless the other person has done something horrible, realize that a relationship going sour or already gone sour is not usually just one person’s fault. Unless your partner is a self centered devil, somewhere you are at fault too.
Also this article is primarily for relationships that have not progressed to a marriage stage so that you can still make a decision while you have time. If you are married with kids, it is much more difficult to take a decision because your happiness is not the only thing that matters. There are other people’s lives attached to you. That being said, even if you are married and feel that most of these points resonate with you, I would advise you to try much harder to make it work and only take the decision of walking away when you are left with no choice.
So let’s begin with the 10 signs of a relationship going seriously wrong or already gone wrong.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 1) The love is not there or it is one sided.
Relationships start with attraction and then progress to a long term stage because of both love and attraction. In a serious long term relationship, if the love in your relationship is one sided or has disappeared over time, it seriously affects the chances of it working out. The same is true for attraction. You were attracted to each other which is why the relationship began but over time it is possible to lose the attraction, not just physically but because of your or your partner’s personality traits. If you find yourself to not be attracted to your partner any more or do not feel the love for them, it is better to respectfully call it off now than cause long term hurt to them later. If they feel the same about you, they should do the same. No one can be truly happy in a relationship where love is not there or completely one sided. Neither the one who loves, nor the loved.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 2) Lying and Dishonesty.
No one is honest about everything all the time, but if dishonesty becomes a habit and especially regarding things that are extremely important to you or them, then the very foundation of the relationship is weak. Either the two of you or the whoever the dishonest partner is should start working on being as honest to each other as possible or expect the relationship to be marred with serious trouble.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 3) Hiding Things that matter.
This could be considered an aspect of dishonesty. If there is something about your past or present that you partner should know or vice versa, then tell them as soon as possible. It is better to find those things from you rather than hear from someone else and have it shatter them. And of course the same applies to them if they are hiding something from you. Most things can be forgiven eventually if the bond is strong enough. Now some things are unforgivable to different people and maybe if you or they reveal something, the relationship could very well end, but if nothing else it will lift a weight of guilt off your shoulders.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 4) Attempts to change or compromise are always one sided.
Some change is good, I don’t believe in the “ALWAYS accept me as I am or leave” philosophy. For example if you are dating someone who is excessively flirtatious with other people but doesn’t change their ways to make you happy and still wants to be the same, it’s going to lead to problems. Demanding too much change is nagging and excessive but some change is often healthy for a relationship and makes both partners happy. The problem comes when one partners keeps changing for the other but the other does not make a single effort from their side. This is a perfect breeding ground for resentment and will eventually cause a lot of problems.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 5) There is no respect for each other.
Any form of relationship, not only the romantic ones thrive only based on respect for each other. If you cannot respect the person you are with, is there any point of even imagining a future with them. The same goes for your partner’s attitude towards you. If he or she does not respect you or no longer has any respect towards you, then maybe the relationship should be called off. Unless something happens that improves your standing in their eyes or their standing in yours, planning a future with someone who you do not respect or vice versa is a bad idea.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 6) You have incompatible life goals.
Yes it is perfectly possible for two good people to be wrong together because their life goals don’t match. Let’s say she wants to spend her life travelling, has already got a job related to that and will not compromise on that under any circumstances, while you want to have a normal life and will not accept a long distance relationship. You are also unwilling to compromise on the kind of life you want and will not take up a travelling job for her sake. Sooner or later there will be problems no matter how good you two maybe as individuals.
When your life goals are incompatible you have to see whether either you or your partner can compromise on what they want WITHOUT any resentment. If they compromise for the sake of being with you but slowly start to resent you for it, that will eventually become a major problem between the two of you and take a toll on your relationship, but it can still work. It will be useful if you too are willing to give up another major diverging life goal for their sake in order to lessen the feelings of resentment. If you or they cannot compromise at all, it is very difficult to make it work.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 7) You keep breaking up and getting back together.
No I do not mean “breakups” that happen after a fight only for the two of you start talking again in a day or two or a week. If you have genuinely been fed up with your partner or you partner is fed up with you that you two genuinely decide to break up spend months apart, and then get back together, that is what I am talking about. Often people break up thinking that somehow the grass out there ( other prospective partners) is much greener. When they realize that it isn’t, in other words, they don’t find partners that interest them as much or when they are not able to find a partner at all, feelings of loneliness start creeping up.
It is easy to mistake this feeling for true love and then run back to the partner. Maybe they don’t want you back but sometimes they do. So you two consider your time apart and then coming back to each other as a sign of true love, what happens next? In a few months you again realize that the feelings of loneliness have again been replaced by the feelings of being absolutely fed up because the underlying conflicts and issues or the problems were not resolved. You two mistakenly assumed that love would solve everything automatically. Love doesn’t solve problems, it complicates them further.
If you keep breaking up and end up getting back together over and over again, sorry to say but the chances of it working out in the long run are quite low. If there were no problems you two would not keep breaking up, and unless the reasons why you break up are resolved. it is only a matter of time before it ends for good.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 8) The relationship drains you or them or both of you.
A relationship will go through its ups and downs. There are going to be fights, there are going to be happy times, there are going to be sad times, there are going to be times when you feel on the top of the world and there will be times when it feels like you should throw the relationship away. But if because of your partner’s actions, you are sad much more often than you are happy, you are upset more than you are elated, you are low on energy more often than you feel invigorated, then you should probably take an objective look at your relationship and ask yourself whether you really want to be in it any more.
I know this is extremely hard because a relationship is anything but objective, it is emotional and because it is emotional you need to be objective about how well or badly it is affecting your emotions. At the end of the day, any relationship ought to make you happy. It may make you sad at times but it should make you happy much more often. It should give you energy and not drain all your energy away. Life’s short and it is important to be happy rather than feeling drained all the time.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 9 ) There is constant physical or emotional abuse.
Emotional Abuse doesn’t necessarily mean using abusive language, one can say a lot of demeaning things and put the other person down without technically uttering a curse word. Emotional abuse is any sort of chronic behaviour causes psychological trauma like excessive anxiety or depression. I don’t think anyone of us is perfect and we are all guilty of putting the other person down from time to time in one way or the other, or they put us down, but if it exceeds a threshold where it hurts a person’s self respect or sense of well being to be with them any longer, then things are seriously wrong.
Then there is physical abuse. While physical abuse is never right, the context of the situation and the frequency should play a major role in your decision. Was what happened a one off event because of something horribly wrong that you did that broke the trust of your partner which led them to momentarily raise their hands on you but they later regretted it and almost never repeated it? Or is your partner, ” a serial slapper” always looking for an excuse to start hitting you? You may forgive the former, but if you decide to forgive the latter over and over again, thinking, they will change, guess what, they won’t. For your self respect, you should end it.
Also, this goes both ways. Somehow the popular media has convinced us that it is not okay for a man to hit a woman, but if a woman hits a man, its perfectly fine. That’s a load of nonsense. Chronic physical abuse of any kind is wrong, whether it is a man doing it to a woman or a woman doing it to a man.
Signs You Are In The Wrong Relationship: Sign 10) There is infidelity.
This is perhaps one of the biggest factors that leads to the end of the relationship. Infidelity can cause trust to completely shatter and probably never be regained again. There are of course times when two partners are able to resume a relationship after one commits infidelity but often this out of compromise (If you are already married or have kids. Even if it is love that keeps a relationship going, there exists extreme distrust, anger and even feelings of vengeance. There have been times when two people get together after one cheats, only for the other to cheat on them as well because they cannot forgive it. This sort of behavior is pointless and while it may make you or them temporarily feel good, to “get back at the other” partner it will be a final nail in the coffin of sorts.
If you have been cheated upon and there is no way you can forgive them and those feelings of anger and vengeance have spiralled to such an extent that you two can never have a normal relationship again, it is best to leave in a dignified manner. Only if you two can genuinely rebuild that trust and have genuinely forgiven the other partner and they never repeat that act again, should you give your relationship another shot.
About the Author
The author of this article, Anubhav Srivastava is an author, motivational speaker and the director of Carve Your Destiny, a first of its kind inspirational documentary featuring some of the most famous personalities from diverse fields, who teach the viewers how they too can make all of their dreams come true. The movie itself has been seen on Youtube by close to 600,000 people. Anubhav has also been featured in numerous International and India Media outlets such as BBC , The Times of India, Hindustan Times, Rediff.com, Leicester Mercury and many others.
For speaking, coaching or consulting queries email Anubhav Srivastava at firstname.lastname@example.org. Facebook Profile: http://facebook.com/anubhav981
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