Most of us have had times where we imagine a future with somebody, even end up in a relationship/marriage with them and eventually things don’t work out the way you expected. You two end up going your separate ways. Whether the separation was mutual or one left the other, in both the cases the hurt and sadness is tremendous if your feelings for the person were immense and intense at the time of the separation.
Many people in this situation act and behave in a way where they become super depressed and either end up destroying their own life or end up destroying the life of the one who separated from them. At the very least they display negative behavior that is harmful to them or they display an obsessive behavior which only makes them look horrible.
So what is the right way to move on with peace and dignity?
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 1) – The most important lesson you need to understand is that you cannot control anyone else against their will
In modern day society, it’s almost impossible to control someone else unless they want to be controlled. There are times where people are controlling in a relationship and many times it does work but only till the extent that the other person WANTS to be controlled. When they start feeling like they are being stifled or restricted, there is going to be a backlash.
If you do ever try to control someone against their will, they will almost certainly retaliate and if you still continue, they will leave you. If you still continue, the police will come looking for you sooner or later..
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins is not always true. Quit trying to control people against their will (The only exception is if the compromise is mutual and there is no double standard.) There is only one thing in the world that you can control and that is your own actions, not someone else’s behavior. You can influence it but you cannot control it. There is a big difference. Ultimately in a modern day free society, people will only do what they want to. Focus on controlling your behavior and redirecting it in the right direction.
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 2) Allow yourself to grieve.
Sometimes people try too hard to bottle up their emotions. They don’t allow themselves to express the emotions the are feeling so they are eaten up from inside. Now expressing emotions doesn’t mean you go and bash your head somewhere or someone else’s. It simply means you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. You don’t have to show it in public. You can do so in private or in the company of people you trust. But if you keep your emotions bottled up and do not allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, it’s going to only harm you long run.
If you feel the urge to lash out at them or someone else, then scream in the phone without actually calling them or take out your anger on the punching bag! That’s one of the safest and healthiest ways to vent your emotions without causing real damage.
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 3) Understand that nothing is permanent
The Buddha said that nothing is permanent in this world. Even stars are born and they die so how can one expect things or people to always be there in our lives. Separation is inevitable whether it is physical separation while you are still living or through death. We need to get rid of the illusion that things are going to last forever. Be grateful and be happy for what you have today, do not treat it with disrespect, at the same time avoid being overly attached to it. Attachment is the root cause of suffering. If you are not overly attached, the pain you suffer will be far less than that of a person who is excessively attached to a person or a thing.
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 4) Practice Acceptance
Love people, be grateful for their presence but also accept the idea that one day they may choose to leave or that death will separate you two. In both the cases there is nothing you can do about it. Cry your heart out if it happens, let yourself grieve if your attachment was too strong, but sooner or later you have to move on.
Acceptance is basically accepting an irreversible situation and moving on. It does not mean you give up when a situation can still be reversed. It just means to accept and not live in denial when there is nothing or close to nothing you can do about it.
The longer you live in denial the longer you delay the grieving process and the longer you delay the grieving process, the more difficult it is to move on. And if you can’t move on you become a living corpse.
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 5) Distract Yourself but focus on positive actions.
There are two ways to distract yourself. A negative way and a positive way. Unfortunately most people pick the negative way and suffer greatly. They get into drugs, alcohol, smoking, excessive partying or other things that may feel better momentarily but screw up your life in the long run.
The other option is to focus on positive things such as your work, your relationship with your other family members, spending time with genuine friends or take up a new hobby you really enjoy. The negative things only end up making you feel worse when their effects wear off and thus perpetuate a cycle of addiction.
The positive ones help you grow and lead a meaningful, happy and productive life despite your loss. The positive activities make you realize that no matter what you lose, there is light at the end of the tunnel and that life goes on. You can lose everything in the world and still live a happy life as long as you remain in the driver’s seat of your mind instead of letting your emotions rule you. Remember, loss is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
How To Let Go Of Someone You Love. 6) Avoid excessively Idealizing the person or the relationship
They say you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. The same is true for many relationships. Either it ends on an emotional heart wrenching note or it results in a marriage where the two people end up sick and tired of each each other! People who are forced to separate from someone at a time when they intensely love another because of unavoidable circumstances will always think that life would be incredibly rosy for them if they were with their “one true love” as compared to the partner they now ended up with now!
And what happens to the partners that do end up with their “one true love” they end up hating each other anyway! They think that maybe the other guy or girl that liked them would have been better and life with them would have been blissful. The grass is always greener on the other side. Heck, even Rose from the movie Titanic would hate Jack (and vice versa) if Jack didn’t die and they actually ended up marrying each other! But Jack died and Rose thought of him as her true love till the day she died. Lucky Jack! (And unlucky Rose’s husband! )
The fact is no relationship is perfect. If it ended or some unavoidable circumstance happened that resulted in your separation, destroy the idea that they were perfect for you and nobody else ever will be. Nobody is perfect for each other. The fact that there was a separation means that something was wrong in that relationship. Yes it may have had several good points but there probably several negative things as well. See the person you were attached with as a human, not an Angel. You will be able to let go better once you also make yourself aware of their (or the relationships’s) flaws.
About the Author
Anubhav Srivastava is an author, speaker and the director of Carve Your Destiny, a first of its kind inspirational documentary featuring some of the most famous personalities from diverse fields. It has been seen by over 1 Million People on Youtube. Anubhav has also been featured in numerous International and India Media outlets such as BBC , The Times of India, Hindustan Times, Rediff.com, Leicester Mercury and many others.
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