How Controlling Parents Mess Up The Lives of their Kids.

From the Book: How to Cope With a Brutal World by Anubhav Srivastava

Now, we come to perhaps the most “controversial” segment in the book. For a while, I was debating with myself, whether to include it as I am not sure how it would be received, especially in Asian cultures. Then I realized, whether it is received well or poorly is irrelevant. It is a message I believe in and a message that needs to be heard.

Sure, some people will not like this segment, but the purpose of the book is to not to share what society likes, but what society needs to hear, especially the future generations.

A Caveat:

First — This is NOT for all parents, but only excessively controlling parents in general across all races and generations, whether today or in the future.

Second — Most of us love/loved our parents, but it doesn’t mean, that every action taken by parents is necessarily good for you, in fact I would argue that a lot of it does far more harm than good to kids, making an already difficult life far more difficult.

So, keeping that in mind, let’s start.

If you are not Indian, let me introduce you to a movie called Baghban.

“Baghban,” for those who haven’t had the, um, pleasure, is a Bollywood film where the parents are saints, and the kids, once they grow up, practically become devils.

The parents give their all, sacrificing their dreams, savings, and the best years of their lives, only for their ungrateful offspring to toss them aside once they’re old and grey. It ends with tears, drama, and a heavy-handed moral lesson that would make even a soap opera blush.

As of 2024, it has been 21 years since that movie is being used to shame children and perpetuate a narrative that is far from accurate, in the real world.

It’s time for a global audience to get a fresh narrative, the one that tells the other side of the story.

Let us begin!

Let’s get one thing straight, despite what your family portrait might suggest, parents aren’t Gods or avatar of Gods either.

It’s high time we shredded the myth that just because someone decided to bring a child into the world, they’re somehow automatically bestowed with a halo.

First of all, you could be a god if you give them a heavenly life. How are you a god if you have brought kids into a far from heavenly world?

In fact, I would say, adoptive parents often step up to the plate in a big way, as long as they are GENUINE and SINCERE. They choose to take in children who are completely unrelated to them and provide them with a home and love. If we’re handing out titles for godliness, those kinds are the first in line.

Biological Parents aren’t saints because they did their job. They chose to have kids. It’s like signing up for a marathon and expecting a medal just for showing up. Kids owe respect, sure, but not their soul and freedom. This whole “live for your kids, then make them live for you” business needs a serious overhaul.

They say parents are Gods, because they gave you the “Gift of life!”

Well, life isn’t exactly a gift. Let me ask you — If life were actually a gift, why is this “gift” taken away from you, mostly without your consent? Because it was never really a gift in the first place. Gifts are not given to be taken back, certainly not without consent.

Secondly, a life where pain heavily outweighs pleasure for many, both in terms of frequency and intensity, cannot be termed a gift in the conventional sense.

If you still have any doubts, go re-read the previous sections.

You will say — Why are we afraid to die if life isn’t a gift? Well, almost all living beings are afraid to die, because of hardwired biological programming at a genetic level, NOT BECAUSE life itself is a gift. There is no fear of Annihilation before Creation.

The fear of death is a natural side-effect of being born. Kids didn’t fill out an application form requesting to be born.

They didn’t tick a box saying, “Yes, please, I’d love to join your household, endure your parenting experiments, and live up to an impossible set of expectations.”

Parents make a decision — to create life. And let’s be real, often it’s about their need, their want rather than some divine calling.

Elevating parents to godlike status just for participating in the creation of life is like thanking a chef for just reading the recipe. What truly matters, what should be honored, is how they cook the meal, how they nurture and raise their children beyond the biological act.

By the way this whole business of worshipping parents — and their parents, and their parents’ parents, and so on is a little overcooked, don’t you think? If we’re really going to get into the worship business, why stop at humans?

Let’s take it all the way back to our truest ORIGINAL ancestors — bacteria and other microorganisms.

Think about it. These microscopic marvels are the real pioneers, the original settlers of Planet You. Without them, none of us would be here trying to figure out if we owe our great-great-granddad a candle or not.

And how do we repay these tiny titans? With antibacterial soap, that’s how! Talk about ingratitude!

Sounds Absurd? It’s the truth.

Now let’s explore the push for relentless and mindless improvement.

Ah, the timeless tradition of never being quite good enough for the family jury. It’s like being stuck in a twisted reality show where the judges are your parents, and the grand prize is a fleeting nod of approval. You can do everything for their approval, but guess what? The goalposts just keep moving. Welcome to the never-ending game of “Just One More Thing.”

Here’s the kicker: they call it motivation, improvement, pushing you to be your best. But let’s cut through that and call it what it often is — chronic dissatisfaction.

It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much water you pour, it’s never going to be full, and you’re just left wondering why you keep carrying the water in the first place.

What if this relentless quest for improvement actually backfires? Here’s a truth bomb for you — sometimes, it does. Instead of churning out well-rounded geniuses, this relentless push can churn out stressed, anxious individuals who are so caught up in chasing an impossible standard that they forget how to be okay with just being themselves.

Why do many parents do this?

To fulfil their own dreams, they couldn’t accomplish. Perhaps they have taken the whole idea of “never giving up on one’s dreams” one generation further!

Congratulations! Pushing your kids to fulfil your dreams does have a romantic tone to it. But your kids are not here to fix the past, fulfil lost dreams, or prop up sagging egos.

They’re here to write their own stories, not be footnotes in someone else’s.

Humor me for a moment — imagine if we weren’t always under renovation like a never-ending home improvement project. Maybe some of us are more like a slightly quirky bookshop that’s a bit disorganized but full of character. Not everything needs to be a shiny and streamlined.

And here’s an aggressive nugget: Constantly telling someone they need to be better can sometimes make them worse. It can lead to burnout, resentment, or worse yet, a complete breakdown from the pressure.

So, next time the family council starts with their well-meaning but utterly exhausting critiques, maybe throw this back at them: “What if I’m already the best version of myself right now?”

It’s not about having a chip on your shoulder; it’s about having peace in your heart. After all, isn’t contentment supposed to be part of the human condition too, or did we just skip that chapter?

Maybe it’s time we all took a good look at what ‘improvement’ really means and realize that sometimes, the best upgrade is appreciating what’s already there.

The role of the correct parental knowledge in a child’s “success”

Now, a lot of what your kids will become will depend on the conditioning you have given them in your childhood. So, if you have given them the wrong conditioning, don’t be shocked, if they don’t become what you hoped them to be.

If you think kids are just born a blank slate and magically turn into adults without any baggage, think again. They’re like sponges, soaking up every bit of wisdom or nonsense you throw at them.

Children are observant; they’re like mini surveillance drones, absorbing every detail of how you do things. They don’t learn from what you say; they learn from what you do.

Let’s not forget the classic, “I’m older, so I’m right.” This gem is based on the unshakeable logic that age equals wisdom.

But you will be shocked the number 80 plus year olds walking around with the maturity level of overgrown schoolkids.

So, if you’re wondering why they didn’t turn out the way you dreamed, maybe it’s time to look in the mirror.

Maybe the programming was a little off. Maybe those rose-tinted tales of your ‘glorious past’ weren’t as educational as you thought.

Parents, in an effort to enforce filial piety (the idea that elders should be worshipped), often like to remind their kids that whatever status the kids have in the world is because of their parents.

I agree and by the same logic, whatever status the kids do not have in the world is also because of their parents.

Let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Ever wonder why Indian communities like Marwaris and Gujaratis as well as some international communities like the Jewish community, often end up as money wizards?

Here’s a clue: it’s not necessarily in the genes; it’s in the upbringing. From the cradle, these kids are raised in a culture steeped in business acumen and financial management. Many life skills are like accents and languages. The earlier you begin the more adept you get at them!

Over 20 years especially when you start something at 5, it becomes a force multiplier, with the knowledge you get and the genuine connections you build from an early age, with the number of mistakes you can make and learn from an early age, and often access to sizeable capital you start with ( unlike “networking” on LinkedIn).

You can clearly see why the rich get richer and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it is done ethically.

On the flipside, you’ve been feeding your kids with a steady diet of the Indian idiom, “Poot sapoot to kya dhan sanchay, poot kapoot to kya dhan sanchay,” which translates to “If your child is worthy, why save wealth? If your child is unworthy, why save wealth?”

As a consequence, most of us spend the first 20 years of our lives learning absolutely nothing about money or practical life from our schools, parents or the environment.

Since we are at it, let’s reexamine this classic Indian idiom, “If your child is worthy, why save wealth? If your child is unworthy, why save wealth?”

This essentially suggests that if your child is worthy, they don’t need your wealth because they’ll amass their own, and if they’re not, whatever you leave to them will just go to waste.

It’s a view that totally skips over the critical importance of imparting financial wisdom.

First off, let’s bust this myth wide open: Nobody is born a perfectly worthy child or completely unworthy child. One may also argue that the definition itself is subjective, but let’s not get into that.

We’re all a mix, learning and fumbling through life’s financial lessons. Pretending that saving money for kids or giving them financial education is unnecessary because a worthy child will figure it all out on their own is like saying you shouldn’t bother with swimming lessons because a good swimmer will naturally figure out how not to drown.

In reality, we’re all somewhere in the middle of this worthy-unworthy spectrum, and in this uncertain world, giving your kids some financial cushion plus a lot of financial wisdom can only help.

A kind of a launch pad of sorts. Because that works as a multiplier on one’s efforts. It’s a life jacket, a safety net — heck, it’s the financial literacy equivalent of wearing a belt and suspenders. Why take the risk when you can prepare?

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Now that I’m at it, let me be even more controversial and tear down another myth — this whole notion of inheritance as a colossal favor to your kids.

The whole “when we go, we will give you our money” spiel often comes off like some grand, benevolent gesture — as if parents are doing their children an enormous favor by leaving them whatever’s left after a lifetime of accumulation.

Here’s a newsflash: acting like it’s a huge sacrifice to pass down what you can’t physically take up with you is not only misleading, it’s absurd.

There are no luggage allowances on the journey to the afterlife, so let’s stop pretending there’s any other easy option, other than giving it away to those you are biologically programmed to love (Children)

They didn’t ask to be born into this dog-eat-dog world, so the least you can do as a parent is prepare them not just to survive, but to thrive. This means not only money but also financial wisdom. Because in the end, the best financial plan you can pass down isn’t necessarily hidden in a will — it’s lived out in the everyday choices you make right in front of their eyes.

Giving idealistic but wrong advice to kids

Watching most parents give idealistic but largely worthless advice to their kids, is like watching some mega celebrity’s public display of fake humility — it’s polished, it’s practiced, but let’s be real, it often feels more like a performance than genuine modesty.

Everyone claps, everyone pretends to show admiration, but deep down, we all know it’s all a bunch of nonsense.

What is some of this idealistic advice?

Distorting their own past

Parents, ah, the original revisionist historians of our personal histories! They often craft their pasts like they’re curating a museum exhibit on moral superiority. You know the spiel: back in their day, they were paragons of virtue, never stepped out of line, and always did their homework before sunset without being told.

Let’s get real — the stories from “back in the day” are often so polished, you’d think their teenage years were spent in a saintly montage of good deeds and perfect decisions.

Parents have this uncanny ability to remember their pasts not as they were, but as they wish they had been. It’s all rosy retrospection, where every choice made was the right one, and every opportunity was seized with noble grace.

But let’s pull back the curtain on that fantasy, shall we? The truth likely includes its fair share of mistakes, misadventures, and mayhem — none of which make the final cut in the family folklore they love to recount. It’s like they’re trying to sell us a coming-of-age story that’s more fiction than fact, setting standards based on a script they themselves never followed.

And what’s the impact? They end up setting these towering, unattainable ideals based on a half-baked past, pushing us to chase a version of perfection that never even existed. It’s like being in a race where the finish line keeps moving; you’re set up to fail before you even start.

So next time your folks start mythologizing their flawless youth, take it with a pinch of salt. Remember, they weren’t always the sage gurus they present themselves to be now — they were once as clueless and chaotic as the rest of us (and probably still are!)

Don’t let their selective memory dictate your reality or set your standards. Life’s messy, mistakes are inevitable, and that’s perfectly okay. After all, if they really were that perfect, wouldn’t the world be perfect by now?

“Saying I suffered back then, so you should too”

Well, first of all, every new generation already suffers in their own way, because every new era may solve some problems but has its own set of new challenges.

Secondly,

When you recount all the things you did as a young person in order to comply with your parents and try to justify it by saying your child should now do the same, it’s like saying because you were made a fool of, so the child is now obliged to honor the tradition and make a fool out of themselves too by sacrificing their life away.

Oh, the classic generational hand-me-down of questionable traditions — where “I did it, so you have to do it too” serves as the family motto. It’s as if life’s a tag-team match or a relay race, and once you’ve been it, you can’t wait to pass it on to the next unsuspecting sucker — your child.

Let’s break this down. When parents spin tales of their youthful compliance and sacrifice, often glossing over their regrets and what-ifs, and then use those tales as a blueprint for their kids, it’s not just tradition — it’s tragicomic. It’s like saying, “I walked twenty miles to school uphill both ways, so why shouldn’t you suffer just as much?”

As if enduring some outdated rite of passage is a necessary ingredient in the recipe of character building. News flash: Just because you were manipulated by your own parents, doesn’t mean it’s some sacred family tradition that needs to be preserved like grandma’s pickle recipe.

What we’ve got here is a classic case of misery loves company. Instead of using their experience to spare the next generation the same follies, they’re all about enrolling them in the same school of hard knocks — membership mandatory. It’s aggressive nostalgia, weaponized: “Back in my day, we didn’t have choices!” Great, but we do now, so why not aim for something better?

I didn’t have the internet when I was in kindergarten, but neither did anyone else from my time. So what? What the kids do not have today, their kids will. It’s called “technological progress!” Please come to terms with it!

So, let’s drop the act. Breaking the cycle isn’t disrespect; it’s evolution. Your kids aren’t here to cosplay your youth. They’re here to live their best lives, with the benefit of your hindsight to guide them, not bind them.

Let’s turn those “When I was your age” stories into “I want you to have the opportunities I didn’t” discussions. Remember, good parenting isn’t about replication; it’s about elevation. Stop the generational replay of mistakes and start championing the new paths they could take.

Because really, the best tradition you can pass on is the one where each generation is given the right wisdom but is ultimately free to write their own script when they grow up.

Telling Your Kids to “Struggle More” and that “Hard work conquers all.”

Stop over glorifying hard work to your children and setting them up for failure by teaching them that if they fail it’s ONLY because they didn’t try hard enough. They failed, maybe because that thing they were doing is not their talent?!

Maybe parents are forcing a fish to climb a tree and are completely deluded and completely ignoring the role of luck in their own lives, because that makes their stories sound less inspirational (even if there is nothing particularly inspirational about it)

In case I am misunderstood, I am NOT saying hard work has no role to play, I am just saying the facts are more complicated than purely working hard. There are some spheres of human activities where one has more control and then there are spheres where control is very limited.

No matter how hard someone works, success is not guaranteed when it comes to spheres where the outcome is out of your hands, or when you work on things that are not your natural talents.

Stop saying that just because some famous guy struggled for years in a bus, and then eventually became a billionaire, so struggling in a bus is pre-requisite to becoming a billionaire. Here is a newsflash, most people who travel in a bus, travel all their lives in a bus, not become billionaires. Seriously, who are you kidding?

Also, the world is ALREADY a struggle for everyone in one way or the other. How much more do you want kids to seek struggle in a world that is already tough?

Kids should be taught, how to make things easier, not to make them even harder. Teaching the young to glorify struggle for the sake of struggling is like asking them to ride a bicycle while keeping the brakes forever clenched to the wheel and believing they are some superheroes for doing the same. In reality, people doing this only look like fools.

The “struggle masala” is already in the dish of life by default, bro. Don’t add so much more to it that people throw away the dish itself.

So, instead of feeding kids a steady diet of “struggle more” or “just work harder” stories, let’s give them something more substantial: real wisdom.

Teach them to understand their strengths and how to leverage them.

Show them how to adapt to changing circumstances and seize opportunities

Educate them about the economic landscape and help them build GENUINE networks that can also support their dreams.

Equip them with resilience, adaptability, and a clear-eyed understanding of how the world really works

And yes, teach them that sometimes, despite all the hard work and best intentions, failure is still a possible outcome — and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of their worth or effort; it’s a part of life.

In essence, let’s stop selling the dream that hard work alone paves the road to success, and start preparing kids for the reality, no amount of hard work by itself will make you “mega successful” — but having the right tools and mindset might just help you build a happy, fulfilling life, which is a worthy success story in its own right.

INDOCTRINATION and Promise of a “BEAUTIFUL” Future

From the moment you pop into the world, you’re strapped into a rollercoaster of societal norms. It starts with your parents, the original tour guides, who hand you your first map drawn in crayon, showing you the ‘right’ paths: walk, talk, smile, don’t question.

Then you hit school, where the crayon becomes a ballpoint pen — more permanent, less room for error. Memorize this, regurgitate that.

Flash forward, you’re in college, still chasing that carrot because, hey, you were promised a feast at the end of this marathon. You trade your best years for caffeine-fueled all-nighters, clinging to the hope of ‘enjoy later.’ Because that’s the deal, right? Work hard now, live it up later.

You slog and try to pass one nonsensical exam after another, giving up your youth, then slogging in College and then finally getting a degree because you were told by parents, that if you work hard now, you can enjoy later.

But hold up, plot twist: you graduate, land a job, and just when you think it’s finally ‘later’ — nope! Turns out, the ‘real’ hard work starts now. And the best part? You’re expected to be grateful for this endless grind, to bow down and worship at the altar of parental expectations for the privilege of running in circles.

You’re told, “Just follow the plan — our plan — and everything will be golden.” But as the years roll by, the gold starts looking a lot more like glitter, and suddenly, it’s less about you soaring on the wings of your dreams, and more about you anchoring yourself to familial obligations.

THEN, suddenly you are told, “We brought you into this world and raised you, now you are SUPPOSED to take care of us.” It’s as if your life’s purpose was scripted from your first breath: support your creators.

And we’re supposed to thank them? To treat parents as Gods for bringing us into this circus called the “real life?” For telling us we are on a path that promises gold but delivers crap? Let’s just call it what it is — a beautifully packaged lie.

After “gifting” you this brutal world called real life, complete with wrong advice from the very childhood and making sure that you are under their control as long as possible, in the end, it turns out that that financial debt is not the only debt you have, you owe a MUCH BIGGER debt to your parents, although you never asked for the loan!

Well, guess what, have you ever thought about love instead of constantly reminding your kids of debts and obligations?

Have you ever thought that if you are actually empathetic towards your child, they may anyway return it, not out of obligation, but out of sheer love for you.

But have you ever genuinely allowed conditions for that love to be created? No. Many parents still want to control their children even when they are adults.

Many parents continue to berate them and make it hard to coexist, and when the inevitable happens, they go around sharing sob stories of how children abandoned them or how parents are Gods (usually shared with other parents who did the same to their kids.)

Many parents wield the “obligation card” like a club, and then they wonder why their adult children aren’t rushing to spend time with them. If every interaction is a reminder of debt and duty, how can genuine affection and gratitude flourish? It’s like trying to grow a garden in salted earth.

For god’s sake, please operate from a mindset of Love, not of making the kid return obligations.

The real question is, did they ever stop to consider what you need? What your hopes, dreams, and challenges might be? It seems they’re more focused on ensuring you pay your dues than on fostering a genuine relationship that could naturally inspire love and support.

It’s always about what you owe them, not about what might actually build a healthy, loving bond.

It’s time for a radical idea: What if parents operated from a mindset of only love, not ledger-keeping? What if they focused on understanding and empathy, recognizing that love returned out of genuine affection is infinitely more rewarding than love demanded as a tax?

Sadly, too many parents get lost in their roles as authority figures and forget how to be partners in their children’s journeys. They circulate melodramatic messages talking about ungrateful children, without pausing to reflect on their role in this fractured narrative.

So, here’s a thought for all the parents out there still clutching their ledgers: put away the balance sheets. Start building relationships not on debts and duties, but on mutual respect, understanding, and unconditional love. Maybe then, love won’t be an obligation — it will be a natural, heartfelt choice.

Here’s a final blast, your time together on earth with your children isn’t endless. One day it will be time for you to leave this world, and if you are particularly unlucky, they may leave BEFORE you.

Your time with your children is precious, and every minute you spend tightening the reins is a minute lost where you could have been building a relationship based on mutual respect and love. Why waste it trying to turn your kids into grateful, nodding automatons, repaying debts they never signed up for, in a life that’s already handing them enough challenges?

Mutual love and mutual respect between a child and a parent, with no expectations or obligations is the answer. There is no other answer.

And this concludes what I had to say to about this.

From my Book, How to Cope With a Brutal World. Download Full Book for Free at https://archive.org/details/how-to-cope-with-a-brutal-world-by-anubhav-srivastava