For newcomers to philosophy, let me introduce you to a man named Epictetus.

Epictetus was literally born as a slave in ancient Greece and spent all his life in slavery until he was eventually freed.

If there is anyone from whom we can actually learn how to maintain our happiness even when literally surrounded by misery, it is him.

By the way, as a disclaimer, let me add that I do not believe that philosophy can bypass natural human needs or emotions, however, it can help you see things in a different light so that you at least understand that what you think you depend on is not necessarily what you actually need.

Now let’s go back to Epictetus. Epictetus never wrote a book but he founded a school where he preached to followers.

His sayings were letter written and preserved by his followers and survived for over two millennia! Let’s explore some of the things he said, with regards to coming to peace with ourselves and with my commentary on it.

Quote 1 – “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.”

This quote of Epictetus was also the opening line of my first book – Unlearn: A Practical Guide to Business & Life, and for good reason. Unless we learn to differentiate between things that are under our control and what is not, there is simply no way to be at peace.

In today’s society we have been made to believe that the most famous or rich is necessarily the most hardworking and necessarily the most able. We have been made to believe that the person with most influence has simply “willed” their way into massive influence SOLELY by their own efforts.

This myth completely discounts the fact that much of what happens in life is actually not under our control. We may or may not have free will, but we sure as hell do not have over control over a lot of things happening to us, no matter what the positive thinkers say about them having created their own fate.

Those who claim they have created their own fate, by the same logic, must have also created their own birth!

Sounds exaggerated? It isn’t. Fate begins with birth!

Hey! why not explore this further?

Now, for their birth in this form, their parents would also have to be born and meet.

For their parents to be created their grandparents would also have to be born.

For the grandparents to created, some great great great ancestors had to be born who happened to be apes.

For those ancestors to be created, life would have to evolve on earth. For that to happen the solar system would have to be created and so on…

If you take this to the extreme, ultimately, for someone to be accurate in their assertion that they completely created their own fate, it means they were the one who created the Universe and the Big Bang.

I guess they must be God. Let us all pray to them.

Some super positive thinkers who are still deluded with the idea of entirely controlling their own fate, will say well say we create our fate AFTER we are born.

Well, what if some disease killed them a few days after they were born? Did they create that fate of theirs? Those who say they completely create their own luck, what if they get randomly hit tomorrow by a truck?

Keeping all absurdities aside, unless we can come to terms with the fact that, some things are under our control and some things aren’t, no matter how much effort we put in, we can never be at peace with ourselves. And without peace, happiness is impossible.

Quote 2 – “We are ultimately controlled by that which bestows what we seek or removes what we don’t want. If it’s freedom you seek, then wish nothing and shun nothing that depends on others, or you will always be a helpless slave”

Although it is clearly easier said than done and, in some cases, it may not even be practical, let’s understand what he is saying.

He says, as long as what we want or do not want depends on other’ wishes, whims and fancies, we will remain controlled by them.

And when you are controlled by others, there is no way you can be free, because your entire sense of well-being depends on other individuals who have their OWN way of thinking. You may try to persuade them to think your way but ultimately, they will make their own decisions.

So, Epictetus says that if you want peace and freedom, stop obsessing over things that depends on others.

Furthermore, he goes on to say, if you are in a situation that you DO NOT want, that happened because of someone else and there is NOTHING you can do about it anyway, (for example how he was enslaved), then don’t even shun that and accept it as a part of your life AT LEAST for the time being.

In some ways this also aligns with the saying Latin saying “Amor Fati” or “Love of one’s fate.” However, instead of “loving” one’s fate which may not necessarily be love-worthy and sounds more like toxic positivity, a more realistic alternative in my eyes is coming to terms with one’s fate or accepting it at least for the time being

 But Acceptance also does not mean necessarily mean Resignation. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan a way out, especially if it is possible, but if you are forever feeling sorry for yourself, you can never get into an emotionally stable state of mind to come up with a solution anyway!